It used to be that funeral services were as proscribed and predictable as wedding ceremonies. In the case of funerals, for Christians, there would be a wake followed by a service, perhaps a grave-side service, and a meal. For Jews, there would be an immediate service and burial, followed by days of sitting Shiva. The services would generally follow the religion's script.
Today, everything is different. Just as weddings have morphed from predictable cookie-cutter services to highly personal expressions of personality and commitment, funeral services are also becoming more and more free-form. "Anything goes," a funeral director told me recently, when I had occasion to face the issue of planning a memorial service for a family member.
The new tradition, if we can even call it that, of highly personal memorial services, is in part a response to how complicated contemporary life can be. The deceased and his or her family may not have been especially religious, may not have been members of a congregation, may be of mixed religions, or may not have been long-standing residents of the community. A half empty church with a service offered by a pastor or priest who didn't even know the deceased is hardly what most of us would choose for a loved one.
The Funeral Director: Your Ally in Planning a Memorial Service
First things first: Get help. The funeral director and a pastor or priest are people to talk to first.
The funeral director arranges for the burial or cremation, but he also does a great deal more. Even if you don't plan to have the service or wake in the funeral home itself, you will work with a funeral director, who will handle some of the legalities, and will also walk you through the process of planning a service.
In our case, the director placed the obituary, and gave us some feedback on planning the service. He would have introduced us to a pastor, had we not known one. He reassured us that we didn't have to endure the agony of a multi-session wake (during which we would have expected very few people), and that we didn't have to have a formal church service. A memorial could be structured however we liked.
Tips for Planning a Non-Traditional Memorial Service
Here are some tips that may help ease the process.
Choose a place for the service. It could be a small church, or a chapel in a church, or a community room. If the deceased was a member of an organization, the organization may have an appropriate facility. SomeF senior citizen residences and assisted living facilities have common rooms that can be booked for private parties, and if your relative was a resident, the convenience may encourage his or her friends from the facility to attend.
Decide on a day and time. Generally, people will come in about 15 minutes to a half an hour before the service is formally scheduled to being. The service itself may take anywhere from half and hour to an hour (or more). After the service, you might arrange to have cookies and coffee, hors d'oeuvres, or a whole spread for people to eat while they are chatting. Often, the family then goes out for a meal and invites others to join them.
Decide on a framework for the service. A chaplain can help you with this, even giving you a model of someone else's program. Ours was as follows:
- Opening music
- Chaplain's welcome
- Bible reading
- Music interlude (music played by a family member)
- Bible reading
- Eulogies by three speakers
- Children's remembrances
- Closing remarks by a colleague
- Closing remarks by the chaplain
- Closing music
The service took about 50 minutes. The beauty of a plan like this is it can be expanded to include anyone who wants to get up and say a few words, or play a musical tribute, or do another prayer or Bible reading.
Write an obituary. Most newspapers offer tiny free obituaries. If you want a larger one, you may have to pay, depending on where you live. The funeral director can place the ad for you. You'll also want to notify as many people as possible yourself. E-mail is fine.
Decide on extras. Flowers are a nice touch. A picture of the deceased is traditional. In addition, at some memorial services, family members arrange computer slide shows, or have poster boards with collages of pictures. (This is a project children can help with). A musician can be hired, or someone in the family can play. A printed program, with a picture and perhaps a more lengthy biography that you may have put in the paper, is also appropriate.
As our lives become more complicated and more diverse, many families find that they have complicated mixtures of religions and value systems. People move a great deal, and may not die in the community in which they lived most of their lives. A memorial service is a chance to celebrate a life, and with today's newfound and acceptable freedom in this areas, the service you plan has the potential to truly memorialize and celebrate the life of a loved one.
Karen Berger - Karen Berger is the author of 15 books. Please click on her name to read her full bio.
